


Murmurs of the Heart

by demuredancer



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Raven Reyes-centric, Raven's heart murmor, Raven's life is stressful, Suicide, Suicide mention, bellamy is a caring darling, dance, lincoln and octavie meet, lincoln instantly likes octavia, raven lost her best friend and feels shitty af, raven misses her friend, the Blake siblings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-04-30 11:19:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5161898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demuredancer/pseuds/demuredancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raven get's shit news<br/>There's some dance references because I'm a dancer</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing and posting fic, let's see how it goes. 
> 
> Reference to self-harm, so be careful. I'm sure they'll be more in future chapters
> 
> Also I wrote this on my phone so I'll fix the formatting later
> 
> It's short, deal with it
> 
> Also not exactly sure where this fic is going yet, probably should have already figured that out but bear with me

“Your physical therapist said you’re not ready yet.”  
Raven glared daggers at Ms. Glass, not caring that she was being incredibly rude.  
“I know that the Nutcracker is in 6 weeks,” Ms. Glass continued on, noticing the glare as well as the tears forming behind Raven’s eyes, “but you really need to listen to them. This is the most progress you’ve made and we have a real chance at resolving your injury. Even if this means you can’t do the Nutcracker, it’ll be worth it because then you’ll have your entire career ahead of you.”  
Raven felt enraged, “Why the hell is everyone saying we?! It’s my problem, but nobody is letting me deal with it the way I want to. Why are you all acting like it some fucking group problem that we can all solve together like a happy family? Can’t I just make my own damn choices about my own damn life for once?!”  
Not that anyone at the studio knew, but a few months ago, Raven had found out that she had slight heart tremors. They normally didn’t cause her any trouble, but she was starting to feel quite dizzy and she knew she had to get home fast.  
Raven stormed out of the studio, knowing she’d be in major trouble when she returned tomorrow. At her dance studio, Raven was known as the tough “I don’t give any fucks” girl. She didn’t want people to see how much she cared about dance, or how much she hurt at this news. Not being able to dance in the Nutcracker would absolutely crush her.  
Once Raven was safely in her car and on the way home, she finally let the tears she had been holding in for the past hour cascade down her face. She couldn’t believe that all these people were trying to take charge of her life. Her life, not theirs.  
When she got home, she immediately called Bellamy. He picks up on the first ring.  
“Hey Raven, what’s up?” Raven tried to compose herself, “Hey Bell, I just had a bit of a rough day at dance.”  
Bellamy sensed the tears and the pain in her voice “Do you want me to come over so you can talk about it?”  
Raven nodded, and then immediately realized that he couldn’t see her, “Thanks Bell, love you.”  
“I love you too, Raven."  
Bellamy knocked on Raven’s apartment door approximately 17 minutes later. When he walked in, he found Raven curled up on her window seat in her bedroom. Immediately, Bellamy could see there was something wrong. Because he knew she had self harm problems in the past, Bellamy sat down next to her and picked her hand up and looked at her wrist.  
"You cut again.” Raven looked ashamed and then said "I just can't keep holding it in, I feel like I'm about to blow up from both anger and depression. I feel so worthless, Bell! There’s too many feelings happening inside of me. I don't know how else to handle it, Bell. I'm scared."  
"Cutting isn't handling it, Raven. You know whenever you're feeling depressed I'm here for you. So is Octavia. We both care about you and hate seeing you in this much pain."  
Just then, there was a knock, and Octavia was standing in the doorway, "Bell called me." Raven looked up at her, eyes bloodshot and full of pain, but she smiled faintly. "Thanks, O. I don't deserve friends like you guys."  
"Don't say that you don't deserve us. You're one of the strongest people I know." Octavia walked into the room and sat on the other side of her.  
"It's not your fault that Ms. Glass is being a heinous bitch about it all. Try talking to her and explaining how important it is to you."  
"Octavia, that won't work. Her goal in life is to make mine a living hell. She even fucking called me a piece of shit! What kind of adult says that to a high schooler?” Raven was crying so much that she began to shake uncontrollably. She could feel her head spinning, and she tried to sit up further, but she was too shaky, lost her balance and almost slipped off the window seat.  
“Raven, you need to calm down. Have you taken your meds today?”  
Both Bellamy and Octavia knew that stress could cause Raven’s heart tremors to act up. If Raven hadn’t taken her meds today, they didn’t know what could happen. They might have to take her to the hospital.  
“No, unfortunately I haven’t had the chance to refill my prescription in a few days.”  
Octavia land Bellamy looked at each other worriedly,  
“Let’s get you to the hospital now, Raven. Before anything serious happens.”  
Bellamy picked her up and carried her to Octavia’s car.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven get's even shittier news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short again.
> 
> I got the idea from this because I'm currently battling a semi-severe heart arrhythmia that's sent me to the hospital a lot recently.

As they check Raven into the hospital, Octavia looked around and her eyes landed on a tall dark skinned man sitting in the corner. He shifted a bit and the hem of his shirt lifted, and she could see his perfectly chiseled abs. Jesus fuck he was hot. Octavia wondered why he was here, he didn’t look sick and he wasn’t sitting with anyone.  
“Octavia? What are you staring at?”  
Octavia blinked back to reality and realized that she had been staring at this guy.  
“Nothing, nothing at all. Let’s go find Raven’s room.” Bellamy took another glance in the direction Octavia had been staring, and they walked off together to find Raven’s room. 

"Hey Raven, how are you feeling now?" Bellamy was concerned, he'd seen Raven's heart tremors before, but this one just felt different. “Well right now he said I’m doing alright, but he took another test, and he'll be coming around soon to tell me my results. I'm scared. I don’t know what on earth he was testing for.”  
Octavia's heart wanted to break for her. Raven was by far one of the strongest people she knew. For Raven to admit she was scared was kind of a big deal. “It’ll be okay, you’re handling this all really well. And it’s okay to be a little scared.” Bellamy picked Raven’s hand up and stroked it. “Thanks Bell, but you know how much I hate being scared of anything.”  
Bellamy opened his mouth to say something else, but was interrupted by the doctor walking in.  
“Hello. I’m Dr. Dante Wallace. Who might you two be?" He stared into Bellamy's eyes, than into Octavia’s for even longer. Octavia laughed nervously, "I'm Octavia, and this is my brother Bellamy. We brought Raven here.” Dr. Wallace stared at Octavia again, lasting for what seemed like a minutes, but it was only another second. "I don't have the best of news to tell you, I’m afraid.” Raven's eyes widened slightly at this. She looked pleadingly at Bellamy as if to say “What the fuck could he say? Am I dying?”. "I'm afraid, your heart tremors are more severe than what your previous doctor said. It says on your sheet that your heart tremors will just give you dizzy spells, and the occasional passing out given you don’t take your medicine. Apparently if you take your medicine, you’ll only have a little dizziness once in a while.” Dr. Wallace turned to a new page on his clipboard, and stared intently at Raven.  
“Ms. Reyes, I believe that open heart surgery is your best option for survival. They’ll cut you open and they’ll rewire your heartbeat. Currently your heartbeat is quite irregular, and frankly I’m surprised that you haven’t been experiencing more symptoms.”  
“Actually, I have been getting dizzy every night, and I black out several times a week. I’ve been making sure to take my medicine, but it doesn’t seem to be helping anymore. Would significant weight loss have anything to do with this heart condition?” Raven didn’t know how the hell she got that out. Jesus fuck, she could die from this all. What had happened since her first test, when it was said that these heart tremors would barely cause her any trouble?  
“Raven, why didn’t you tell me this was happening?”  
The look on Bellamy’s face was something that Raven would never forget. The pain behind his eyes was too much to look at.  
“I could have helped you, brought you to the doctor sooner.”  
“It’s a good thing you brought her here today, young man. If this goes on much longer without the proper medications, you could most certainly die.”  
With that, he promptly walked out, failing to give her any other options.  
It was surgery, or possible death.  
Raven began to sob, and they echoed in the cold hospital room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia has memories of when she was little and we hear a little about her childhood. (more to come later I'm sure)
> 
> Octavia meets Lincoln

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is me, attempting to be a writer

The silence in the room chilled Octavia. Raven's cries had finally induced her into a deep sleep, Raven’s breaths were even and it was strange to think that she could be dying.

Octavia remembered when she had only been 7, Raven at 9 had heart tremors. When they were little, they shared a small playhouse they had built outside that lived in Raven’s yard. There had always been a rule with Raven that they couldn’t play any running games together. At first, Octavia hadn’t understood why. Sometimes if they got too energetic, Raven would start to sweat and get dizzy. 

This had happened twice in Octavia’s memory and she remembered Raven’s dad coming out and handing her a pill. Octavia hadn’t known what that pill was for, only that 10 minutes after that pill, Raven would come back out to play.   
Now Octavia was fully aware of the danger Raven could be in.  
Dr. Wallace’s shocking news still hung in the room, weighing the air down. Octavia looked back at Raven, and Bellamy was holding her hand. She looked away, but not soon enough to see the tears start to fall from her brother’s eyes. Bellamy almost never cried.   
Bellamy had always been Octavia’s stronger older brother, she hadn’t even seen him cry when he and Octavia had to be taken away from their mother because she was deemed too irresponsible by law to take care of her children. 

 

Octavia wanted to give him his alone time with Raven. She got up to talk a walk, perhaps she could digest the jarring news. As soon as she walked out, took a left turn, she smacked right into someone.   
"Oh shit, I’m so sorry!" Octavia looked up, and she was staring at the guy she had seen earlier in the waiting room.   
“Thank you.” His deep brown eyes were looking intently into Octavia's eyes.  
This was somewhat of an odd thing to say after she had just bumped into him, but she continued to stand there, and look back into his eyes. A moment passed.  
“Who are you?” His voice was gravelly a tad bit mysterious.   
“Octavia Blake. Who are you?.” He looked at Octavia, up and down, his eyes lingering on in her eyes just a little longer.   
“My name is Lincoln. What are you here, Octavia Blake?” The way Lincoln said her name gave her butterflies in her stomach. She didn’t quite know why.  
"My brother and I brought a friend here. Why are you here?”  
Lincoln's face changed slightly, than rearranged itself back. "I'm here with my mother.”   
He paused, deciding if he should tell her more, “She's here for chemotherapy. She has leukemia."   
A gasp came from her lips before she could say anything. "Oh my god, I am so sorry. How is she doing?”   
“She’s doing fine. The diagnosis was early in the process. That helped. Fortunately the chemotherapy seems to be working well.” The way Lincoln was passionately talking, Octavia could tell he really cared for his mom. It was kind of sweet. These days most guys didn’t like showing too much love for their feelings. Octavia found it refreshing. Already, Octavia felt invested.   
”Is there anything I can do?” She blushed slightly. She had, only just met him and she was already offering up her help. There was just something about him she couldn’t explain. A really sexy, but sweet something that made her want to know so much more about him. Lincoln smiled at this. It was almost like he could see her thoughts and she agreed.   
"Kiss me.”  
"What?" Before she could say anything else, Lincoln leaned down, and planted a kiss on Octavia's lips. She felt his hand graze her cheek. His hand was surprisingly soft. The kiss felt nothing less than perfect. They paused, and Octavia could feel his lips smile, still grazing against her lips. Not ready for it to end, Octavia kept kissing him back, kissing more passionately as he pulled her hips in closer. When Lincoln finally pulled away, it felt like hours had passed, even though it had only lasted seconds. Lincoln took Octavia's hand in his and wrote a number on the back of her hand.   
"Call me, Octavia Blake.” The way he said her name sent chills up her spine.   
With that, one of the sexiest guys Octavia had ever met walked down the hallway and disappeared down a hallway.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven spills her feelings out to Bellamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been a while
> 
> May or may not be projecting my life into this currently, and I have no idea what is possessing me to write&post this
> 
> Also there's mention of suicide, careful
> 
> Still don't know exactly where this fic is headed. Keep bearing with me

Raven struggled to open her eyes. She opened her mouth, but no words managed to escape her lips.  
"Shh, it's okay. Don't try to talk. Relax."  
Bellamy was sitting on the edge of her hospital bed, holding her hand lovingly.  
"You had a rejection to those meds they just gave you, you were unconscious for 2 hours. I was worried." He leaned down a laid a kiss on her forehead.  
Raven managed to find her voice,  
"Did you really stay the whole time I was passed out?"  
"Of course, I'm not leaving you alone in the damned hospital for one minute."  
"Bellamy, you don't have to do this."  
Although she loved Bellamy, Raven felt as if he was slightly smothering her. Sometimes, she just wanted to time to be left alone to think. Or overthink more like. She felt like she was drowning. Her physical pain that her heart brought her felt almost equivalent to her mental pain. She so wanted to talk to Bellamy about all she was feeling, but she hated admitting she was scared. Raven never wanted anyone to see her vulnerable.  
"Bell?? I'm going to try to get some sleep, I feel like an elephant is standing on my chest. My head feels like it’s about to explode.”  
Without waiting for an answer, Raven turned over so her back was facing him. She didn't want him to see the tears falling out of her eyes. After a moment, she heard Bellamy get up and walk out of the room, shutting the door behind him. As his footsteps faded, he

It seemed as if she had only had her eyes closed for five minutes, but Raven sat up quickly, beads of sweat dripping down her face. Every night in the hospital, she had the same dream: Her laying in a bed feeling weak and listening to the doctors tell her they had given up hope. That all the open heart surgeries and the heart transplant hadn't worked. That she was destined to live a short, pained life.  
Immediately Bellamy sat up in his chair and looked over at Raven. She was now sitting up and panting and sweating as though she had just run a mile.  
“Raven? What’s wrong?”

"Nothing. I just feel... it's just warm in here. Bad dream. Don’t worry about it.” Raven wiped her hair off her face, now sticky with sweat.  
“No seriously, tell me. I can tell it’s more than just a bad dream.”  
“Bellamy… if I tell you something you have to swear not to tell anyone. Not Dr. Dante, Clarke, or even Octavia. Not just yet.” Bellamy nodded, his face wrought with concern.  
“I swear. You can trust me completely.”  
“Well, you know how I had that friend? The one who killed himself? He was just a friend.” Raven hurriedly added when she saw Bellamy’s face shift. Neither of them had been in as serious of a relationship as they were now, and she could tell he didn’t like the thought of her being with any other guy.  
“Well he was my best friend. As you know, I watched him kill himself. I was there. Sometimes, I can completely re-live the moment in my head, or in my dreams too. I can vividly remember how he pulled his gun out, his last words, and where he shot himself. It hurts like hell, but sometimes I close my eyes and purposefully picture it and bring the memories back. To pretend I’m feeling his warm hug. But when I open my eyes, it hurts all over again, almost as much as when it first happened. Not quite, but I feel so fucked every time.”

Bellamy looked at Raven. He could see the tears gathering in the corners of her beautiful brown eyes. He could see the pain behind them. He reached over and grabbed her hand, it felt rough, but warm in his hand.  
“Am I the first person you’ve told all this to?”  
“Yes. Octavia knows, but she only knows that I’ve seen a friend kill himself. That’s all. Please don’t tell her. I’m still not handling it well. Even though it was over two years ago.”  
“I understand Raven. It’s safe with me.”  
“Do you? Do you really understand? Have you ever seen your best friend shoot himself right in the heart? Did you have to hear his last words? Did you have to read a goddamn goodbye letter from him?! DID YOU?!” Raven was full on screaming.  
Bellamy clutched her hand even harder.  
“You’re right. He looked down.  
“You’re correct. I haven’t experienced any of that. Maybe I don’t fully understand. But do you know what I do understand? You. I understand you Raven. Goddamn I have only known you for a little while, but I already care for you so much. Don’t shut me out now.”  
With watery eyes, Raven leaned towards Bellamy and embraced him. Tears were fully running down her face, and down Bellamy’s back, but neither of them let go.  
“It’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. You’re strong as hell.”  
Raven finally let go, “No. I’m not okay. I’m not strong at all. I haven’t been able to sleep since and I’ve been positively wrecked every damn day of my life since he shot himself.”  
Not knowing what to say, Bellamy shifted and sat down closer to her and let her head rest on his shoulder, letting her continue talking. Her words seemed to be spilling out, as if they had been bottled up much too long and she couldn’t contain them any longer.  
“After I watched him kill himself, I almost killed myself. But he was too cunning, he only filled the gun with one bullet. He was smart. He knew there was a possibility that I would want to kill myself after all that. He knew how troubled and wrecked I had been feeling then. I so badly wanted to end my pain, but I couldn’t. Bellamy, I’m scared. I don’t want to get to that point ever again.”  
“Then we’ll talk. We’ll talk to a doctor and get you help. Whatever you need. Maybe you just need to talk to a therapist.”  
She sighed, “I’ve never wanted to be that person that relies on fucking medications to survive, Bell. I told someone once before, and they acted like I was over throughly overreacting. Am I really overreacting?”  
He let out a laugh, that was more sinister then funny. “Umm, with how you described it to me you definitely have every right to be upset. I think it’s probably normal for it to still be affecting you to this day. Especially since you’ve been keeping it bottled up for as long as you have.”  
“Bellamy, I can’t even begin to describe what it felt like to see that.”  
“You don’t have to. You never have to talk about stuff if you don’t want to.”  
“Ever since then I’ve always felt like it was my fault. I was there when it fucking happened. I fucking watched it. I should’ve stopped him!”  
She started shaking, sweating more. Raven was getting himself more worked up.  
“Calm down. If he really wanted to he would’ve don it regardless. It isn’t your fault It didn’t happen because you think you did something wrong. You did everything you could just by being there with him right before it happened.”  
Burying her face in her hands, she continued. Tears leaking out.  
“I feel horrible saying this, but sometimes I almost wish I hadn’t been there. That I hadn’t seen it. It makes it so much harder now. I’m glad I was there, but sometimes on the bad days I’m not glad.”  
“Raven. No. Don’t feel bad for saying that. That’s got to be a very traumatizing experience. Your current mental health is important. Don’t feel bad saying that. It will be alright.”  
“Will it, Bellamy? Will it ever be alright?”  
“It has to be.”


End file.
